What are the characteristics of this disease?
It is learned and acquired.
It is developmental.
It is outer focused.
It is a disease of lost selfhood.
It has personal boundary distortions.
It is a feeling disorder, manifested especially by
emptiness, low self-esteem and shame, fear , anger,
confusion and numbness.
It produces relationship difficulties with self and with
others.
Would you explain: learned and acquired?
We develop codependency unconsciously and involuntarily. In
its primary form, it begins with mistreatment, neglect, or
abuse to a vulnerable and innocent child by its environment,
especially its family of origin, and later by its culture or
society. In contrast to other addictions, codependency does
not appear to have a genetic transmission. Rather, it
appears to come about by wounding.
Would you explain: developmental disease?
Mistreatment, neglect, or abuse that begins the wounding
process interrupts, damages, and blocks healthy human
development and growth. These developmental stages involve
learning to connect, love, feel, trust, explore, initiate,
be autonomous, think, cooperate, master, create, develop
morals, skills and values, evaluate, regenerate (heal),
evolve and grow, recycle-all crucial for a healthy human
life. Blocking these developmental stages paralyzes healthy
growth and threatens survival. During the wounding process,
when one is in a survival mode, the person focuses on the
outside of their self and neglects their inner life.
Gradually one becomes more and more distant and eventually
becomes alienated from their True Self.
How is a disease of lost self?
There are several names in psychology for the True Self.
Some are: Real Self, Child Within, Consciousness, Ego Ideal,
Psyche, Mind or Identity-this is who we really are. In
Codependency our True Self is lost. Our True Self does not
yet know how to handle the pain of living in a neglectful,
mistreating, abusing or otherwise dysfunctional environment.
Feeling overwhelmed, it goes into hiding. Then our false
self or co-dependent self comes in to help us survive and
function. This absence, (which is only hiding, not really
lost) of the True Self usually brings about a feeling of
emptiness, which we may then try to fill with things outside
of ourself. But, doing so doesn't fill us in a lasting or
fulfilling way. Only after experiencing the repeated pain of
the consequences of addictions, compulsions or other
disorders-combined with the ongoing feeling of the
emptiness-are we often forced to look within, into our True
Self.
What is a boundary distortion?
A boundary is a personally initiated and maintained dynamic
that protects the well-being and integrity of the True Self.
A boundary distortion can be simply stated as "not knowing
where I end and you begin." The codependent person has
numerous boundary distortions. Two of these address intimacy
and separation. A person cannot recover from any disorder,
including codependency, without forming healthy boundaries.
How is Codependency a feeling disorder?
In codependency we lose touch with our crucial inner life,
which includes our feelings. We become alienated from our
feelings. yet they don't disappear. They continue to
surface, most commonly as emptiness, low self-esteem and
shames, fear, anger, confusion and numbness. In codependency
recovery, one learns experientially what these and other
feelings are, how to recognize them and how to use them
healthily in everyday life.
How does Codependency produce relationship difficulties?
Relationship difficulties are among the most basic problems
in codependency. Codependents have difficulty relating and
loving their self, therefore it is impossible to love
another or a Higher Power. These relationship difficulties
are reflected throughout our life and reflected by your core
issues.
What are some of a codependents core issues?
Control, Trust, Being real and living in reality, Unable to
identify and feel feelings, No feeling modulation or
containment or too many frozen feelings, Low or No
self-esteem, Dependence, Unable to grieve your ungrieved
losses or not processing grief when needed, FEAR OF
ABANDONMENT, Shame, All or nothing thinking and behaving,
High tolerance for inappropriate behavior and abuse,
Over-responsibility for others, Neglects own needs,
Difficulty having fun, Difficulty giving and receiving love,
and difficulty resolving conflict and problem solving.
Can you recover from Codependency?
Absolutely!! Most persons enter therapy or psychoeducational
classes due to relationship problems. Essentials for
recovery are:
Handling any distractions to recovery.
Learning to live from our inner life.
Learning about our feelings.
Learning about age regression.
Learning to grieve, and grieving.
Learning to tolerate emotional pain.
Learning to set HEALTHY BOUNDARIES AND LIMITS.
Getting our needs met.
Experientially learning and knowing the difference between
our True Self and our false self.
Working through our core issues.
Learning that the core of our being is Love.
Learning to be a co-creator.
My husband and I are both recovering alcoholics; do you help
recovering alcoholics and recovering drug addicts?
Yes. I helped many find beautiful healthy relationships.
Sometimes it's repairing and strengthening the marriage they
are in and often it is helping the individual heal before
seeking a new relationship. However, I don't treat
recovering alcoholics, drug addicts or sex addicts until
after they have one year clean or sober.
